I am a parent having trouble choosing between teaching my daughter sensitivity and ';being the grown up';...?

I want to begin by asking please not to lecture me. I am a very sensitive, caring, responsible parent/step-parent. All five of my kids, four step-children and one of my husband's and mine live with us and have for more than half of their lives. My oldest childrens' mother hasn't seen them a year and a half, with the exception of an unplanned hour and a half a little over a month ago. She moved away 3 years ago.





My middle daughter has lots of feelings about her mom, that she's expressed to her father privately, feelings about her mom and their relationship. She has feelings that she wishes she didn't have. She keeps every letter and picture her mother's ever send her pinned to her wall above her bed. And when she tells stories about her visits with any part of her mom's family, including her mom... she very whimsical and animated, especially about ';how much fun she had'; and ';how great it was';.





First and most importantly, I DO NOT want to dismiss these good memories she has, I always support her and the rest of our kids to have a relationship with their mom and NEVER speak poorly of their mom. That being said sometimes my daughter's stories hurt my and/or my husbands feelings and sometimes she says things that are hurtful. I know that someone's going tot read this and think I am a big whiner but I just need help dealing with these feelings so...





I am a blonde, for 3x yrs. Just this weekend, I went the salon for the first time in 4 years and had my hair colored and its a light brownish red color. As soon as I got home, my daughter said, ';momma said she died her hair red and now all the boys flirt with her...'; stupid I know but it stole my thunder and hurt my feelings. I put new pictures of my husband's daughters kids up, that the kids haven't seen in a year or so and my daughter said, ';who are they...'; but she knows what color her mother's daughter's tee shirts were when she saw them three years ago. She was also telling a story at dinner the other night about riding a 4 wheeler with her step dad and how much fun it was and what the weather was like and how muddy they got and who was there and that there were 36 ant piles inthe southwest corner of the house. I feel ashamed writing how my daughter's memories hurt my feelings but its just that it seems like she remembers everything about her mother who left her and diregards what we do for her everyday.





I am just looking for words of wisdom from other mothers or step moms who have had to handle similar issues. It breaks my heart to hear her tell these stories and see the emphasis put on these parts of her life because I know how much she really hurts when she's not telling the stories. Its like she does it so that she can put bandages on the wounds.I am a parent having trouble choosing between teaching my daughter sensitivity and ';being the grown up';...?
We always want what we can't have. When I was little, my father was pretty absentee. he only spent MAYBE an hour a week with us, tops. However, I was such a ';Daddy's Girl'; and did just like your step daughter is doing to you.





However, once I grew up, I came to realize who was actually there for me and who wasn't. Now, I talk to my father was whopping 2 times a year on the phone, and visit with him only on Christmas. Sad, really.





Once your daughter grows up, she'll realize who was there for her -- trust me. I'm a stepmother myself now, to an 8 year old who lives with me. He sees his mother maybe 3 hours a week, but he gushes over her a lot. She doesn't even want to see him, for Christ's sake! She makes excuses all the time, only visiting him maybe every few weekends, and practically jumps with joy if he says he wants to stay home instead of visiting her. It's heart breaking, but there is no doubt in my mind that when my son grows up, he'll know who was there for him and who helped him -- his Dad and Stepmom.





Allow your daughter to gush over her mother. Smile, and say ';That sounds like so much fun!'; Try not to be bitter -- your kindness and attention to her will pay off when she's older. You're the one raising her and I'm sure because of that she will shape up to be a lovely young woman.





Good luck.I am a parent having trouble choosing between teaching my daughter sensitivity and ';being the grown up';...?
shes just trying to keep her alive in her mind. she has nothing else to fall back on. essentially mom is ';dead'; as she knew her. if her mom was actually dead your probably wouldnt take it as personal.





its all she has to cling onto. every year as she gets older, shell become wiser, probably angry and take it out on you guys. the day will come when she understands who was there for her and thank you.





do your best to never let her know it bothers you. you may also want to open the conversation with her about her mom. she may feel your uncomfort even if shes never heard you speak about it and thats why she only shares w/ dad.
I am a single mother of an almost 12 year old son who has had an absent (seriously absent) father for most of his life. He acts like this on the rare occasions he gets to see his father and also when he gets the rare gift. I think I understand how you feel.





I do believe it is really important for children to feel that connection to their birth parents in divorce situations, because it's good for their psyche. You don't say how old she is.





But I think children do this when they're struggling between the reality of who their parent is and the fiction they want the parent to be. I also think that they work it out, eventually. Kids are pretty good at hurting our feelings anyway, aren't they? We get to be the grownups no matter what. Of course, we're not always perfect at it, and that teaches them about life, too.
I'm a step-mom to two girls who compare me incessantly to their mom. They are 13 and 9 (old enough to stop after being asked, in my opinion). I totally recognize that this is a sign of emotional damage in them, and I try to tolerate it as much as I can, but it's rude, especially when they compare me unfavorably. My cooking, my appearance, my accomplishments.etc,etc.etc. Eventually I grew tired of it and couldn't be patient anymore. I sat them both down and asked how they would like to be continuously compared to my daughter (who is a real achiever, athlete, student, etc.) and it was like a light bulb went off. We have had ONE follow-up conversation, but it seems to be pretty much resolved. Have you considered therapy for your daughter? You know as well as I do that this behavior is psychic pain.
It's a kind of ';the grass looks greener on the other side'; thing. Her visits to her mom should be memorable and enjoyable. She doesn't get to see her mom full time. For some reason or other, she was denied that.





';like she remembers everything about her mother who left her and diregards what we do for her everyday.';





No kid really thinks about the day to day things. I'm sure you didn't think much about the day to day things you did with your parents, but with friends and such on weekends, that was a blast.





Enjoy them with her. Think of it this way...she's sharing these with you. That means she thinks you are important to share them with. As for the hair color thing, the daughter found it amusing what her mother told her, and wanted you to get amused as well.





Good luck.
I think your daughter is try to make happy memories with her mother anyway she is hurting. I don't think she is intentionally trying to hurt you or your husband's feelings. I'm pretty sure she does some bragging about you and your husband when she is at her mother's.
Being a step mom I also hate to hear stories about ';momma did this... momma did that...'; I know exactly what you're talking about.





I have had to rationalize it and realize that they're not telling stories to hurt my feelings (or their father's) they are telling us about the fun they had. Of course we know about the fun they have when they're with us, so it would be semi-pointless for them to tell those stories...they're telling the ones that we haven't heard.





I've learned that if you act involved in the stories... for example saying things like ';Really?! that sounds fun!'; or ask questions, like how big was the 4 wheeler, did you go fast? Things like that- I'm not sure why, but it seems to put an end to them.





Basically once I made it clear (not directly by saying anything, but through my actions) that I wanted them to be involved with their mom and I was glad that they have fun with her and interested in it, etc. they seemed to not emphasize how much fun they had anymore. Of course there is the occasional story like today my step son told me that his mom uses the same hot rollers I do (which of course made me want to throw them away, haha!). It's no big deal though, try to welcome the stories and they'll start to dwindle.
It would have been helpful to know what age this little girl is but I am guessing she is about 10-12 years old. Of course she is all whimsical about her mom who really doesn't care about her but is going through the motions of being a far away parent and of course you are a little irritated with it as it seems you do all the work but she gets all the credit. I think there is a lesson to be learned for both of you. For her, she is not intentionally hurting you I do not believe as she is trying to find her identity and for some reason we think that our identity lies with our biological parents more than our parents that took care of us at that age (personal experience). So, you nees to sit down with her an dask if she feels as though you are that insignificant in her life and why you are asking. This may teach her a lesson. If it doesn't work than I would say she is older and intending on hurting you so therefore yo need to make her work for all she takes for granted. She can get small job and earn the things she likes to wear or things she likes to have until she can learn to appreciate all you and your husband do for her. For you, the lesson is that if you do not handle this like you are walking on egg shells you may cause even more turmoil for her either by stirring up feelings that she is already confused about or causing her to know what buttons to push to aggravate you. The other lesson you can learn is some girls are so hard to raise and are so dreamy that reality is somewhere of in the distance. They will very difficult to teach and they are very hard headed. They have to experience the tragedy once or more just to learn anything. Good luck. You are doing a great job!
hate to break it to ya, but having a step child sometimes can seriously suck. Some children just have issues. Some don't realize it, some do. I for instance have or had a 15 yr old step daughter, and she says things till this day out of spite, she's a very insecure lil child, who is constantly causing drama! I've never said it to her and I never would, but i sure let her mother know how I felt. That's neither here nor there though. I think you're doing a great job, considering the situation, and you've taken on 3 children to raise %26amp; love and they aren't even yours. I hope your husband realizes this. Perhaps he should be the one who sits down and tells his children just that. Step-kids are the biggest attention getters its not even funny. So glad Im out though. Best of Luck to you.
this is part of being a parent: your feelings come second.





i wish my mother had been this considerate....its seems like it is very important to you for your step daughter to be able to express herself ( for the good or bad)...and you are to be commended.





it may help if you and your husband talk this through and find a way to approach the child...and find a less verbal way for her to show her love for her mother.





i have to say...while the events seem minor to me...they may be major to the little one....can u accept that
As a step mom and a step child, I will answer this from both sides as best I can.


As a step child who's mother or father was out of the picture at some point in my life - she is hurting. It is killing her inside that her mom doesn't have much to do with her. She is probably wondering what flaw she has to be rejected by her, so on the rare occasion her mother acknowledges her, she clings to it. She will exaggerate her experience trying to fluff her own ego. Basically she makes it out that she had sooooo much fun because in that way it means her mom loves her. How could she and her mom have such a good time if she didn't really love her (in her mind). She may have had a horrible time, but she would never admit it to anyone. She may also think when she tells these stories about what a good time she had, that people will think better of her mom and thereby think she's a better kid. She is looking for love and acceptance.


Her steeling your thunder about your hair color was just another attempt at getting attention. It may have also made her feel important to do the ';reveal';. If you made the comment about men flirting with you because of your new dew (I'm sure in jest), it made her feel important that you shared that with her and she was able to share it with everyone else.


As the step mom, I would let it all go in one ear and out the other. As hard as this is on you, it's 10 fold on her. She feels lost. She doesn't need sensativity training. She isn't trying to hurt anyone, she is actually reaching out. Being a step mom, sometimes my tougue has blead from biting it so hard so I don't speek. I'm sure you are an excellent mom and step mom, I'm not judging you in the least. It is sometimes the hardest job in the world. But please don't take anything she says about her mom as a personal attack on you, because great step mom or not, she feels rejected by her biological mom. You may need to be extra patient with her, but in the end it will be worth it.
she needs to talk about her mom, i know how it makes you feel, but your the adult, and i hope you dont let her know how you feel. your daughter knows who takes care of her, who is there for her everyday, who really loves her. its you. and in time, it maybe a few years, she will realize that. but try not to take what she says to heart. good luck